When I was pregnant, I worried that the boys would look so much alike that I wouldn't be able to tell who was who. We knew they were fraternal, but still...what if all I had to go on was that one had darker hair - and they started out bald?! Lucky us, they came out looking like brothers, but other than when totally sleep deprived, easy to tell apart.
When the boys were tiny (like 3-4 months old), I was part of a local twins club. Now and then, I'd read about twin moms fighting schools, school districts, their states about whether twins should be allowed to be in the same classroom, or should be automatically separated. So now, I could worry on that a little. Should I fight to keep them together? Encourage their individuality and independence? At what age?
Then one day, I met an adult who was a twin. He told me that he and his brother had grown up "not as close as twins usually are" because they were in different grades. So that became my biggest worry. Turns out that one wasn't so far off the mark...and then some!
Our boys are in the same grade - both delightfully happy kindergarteners - but, due to a funny little trick of science, at different schools completely. So no meeting up in the lunch room. No fighting to get them into the same classroom, no shared experiences to discuss at the dinner table.
This little trick of science left Baby B with global developmental delay, while Baby A is considered "typically developing."
We are fortunate to live in a school district with extensive resources, but the district has chosen to divide their special education programs up by specialty. Our "home school" has an Autism Spectrum classroom, but not a classroom for "general" special ed. (Aside: I'm sure we could argue to place Baby A at the same school as Baby B...It is also a wonderful school, but there are many reasons we've chosen not to do that.)
So I spend much of my week working out the logistics of two schools, volunteering at both when I can, being present with two teachers (just like moms of singletons in two grades would), and making an attempt to be involved at similar levels with both kids' educations. Is it equal? Who knows? Do the kids think it's equal? Of course not, but they are 5. Baby A argued that I made a snowman throw-game for his brother's class and not for his. Baby B whined when it was time to sit through another of Baby A's soccer practices. This is just great sibling stuff, and it's never fair or equal. But that's a discussion for another day.
I've tried to move beyond "worrying" about same grade/different, same school/different, etc. I still harbor hopes that one day, Baby B will be ready for full inclusion, and maybe that will involve moving him to our home school. But maybe not. We love both school environments, so either way will be what is best for our children.
My new worry popped up in the last couple weeks, and will last me until the cows come home. And I'm trying to re-frame "worry" in my mind to be "opportunity."
Every morning, Baby B and I take Baby A to school (one hour start time difference), walking him all the way to his classroom with all the other kindergarten kiddos. There are a couple kids who have taken to walking along with us, and when Baby B was dancing his way to the classroom, singing in his Minion Voice (perfect pitch, unrecognizable lyrics), one little girl asked me "why is he acting so weird?"
Now and then, at home, Baby A and I have to have discussions on "Why do you do that for My Brother and not for me?", so answering this simple question wasn't hard to do in an age appropriate way. And in fact, I was happy that she asked. I explained that his brain and muscles work differently than hers and that since he loves to sing, this was his way of showing how happy he was that morning. There were a few more questions, and she nervously said "Hi" to him. The next morning, he said "Hi" to her first, and at first, she was uncomfortable (her name starts with the "K" sound which is pronounced "T" by Baby B), she then walked alongside him chattering all about her morning.
So the worry: What about the people who don't ask? Or the people who give mis-information? Or say that hurtful awful thing to one of my boys? Ok, I know I can't control the world. But I do have the opportunity to provide some information to my small circle. So that is what I will attempt to do.
First of all - the fact that my son is less verbal, and hard to understand doesn't mean he doesn't understand you. So when you're talking about him to me, contemplate that in your words. That absolutely does not mean I don't want to talk to you about how to engage with him, or even talk about "what is wrong with him", but remember that he is hearing us. What is wrong with him isn't nearly as important as all the things that are right. And the message about his special needs shouldn't be coming from you. We as his parents give him information in an appropriate manner, and at an appropriate time. Same goes for his brother.
Watch your mouth. Maybe you've heard this...the words we grew up with "crippled", "handicapped", "retarded" are considered outdated and often derogatory or offensive. Break the habit. Here are some new words to introduce into your vocabulary: "has special needs", "on the Spectrum", "really awesome." And (this one is hard to remember, but especially as a mom of twins, I think super important) we don't say Baby A is "normal", but rather "typically developing". And really, what kid is really "normal" anyway!?
Labels and diagnoses - This is only really important if you are our doctors, teachers or therapists. And then, even not so much. Whether you are in kindergarten or retirement, the deal is the same: his brain and muscles work differently than others. He still loves movies, riding his bike, watching sports, playing at the park, and really really likes to go to the zoo. Even with a diagnosis or label, we don't know if he will one day be the next CEO of Monsters, Inc, or if he will be completely dependent upon us for his life. But then again, we don't know that about a typically developing kid either, now do we?
Play time - He likes to play with other kids. But I know he can be frustrating to play with. Some days, he's "on", and others not so much. Some days, all he wants to do is pile all the toys into one big mess. Others, he wants to play take-turns games, and can be really fun. (Oh, should I mention Baby A and his friends are like this too?) If you're a kid, I can help you figure out a way to play together without too much frustration.
And my last little "rants" are directed more to well meaning adults. I've yet to hear a kid come up with these. While I'm sure you're trying to provide some sort of reassurance when you tell me things like "Oh, my neighbor's sister's daughter didn't talk until she was 4, but she grew out of it and is off to college. You'll be just fine.", "You need to try a gluten free diet. That worked for little Johnny." (who had a very specific something totally different disorder by the way) or "Don't worry, he will grow out of it." - unless you are a child psychologist, a geneticist or a pediatrician AND are treating my child and familiar with his background, you aren't really helping. And we have recently discovered that the likely underlying "cause" of his delay is so rare (and essentially untreatable) that there are only two other known "similar" cases. And they're in Lithuania and China. So I'm pretty sure that's not the neighbor's sister's daughter. If it is, call me. Maybe we can get funding to name the "syndrome."
In the meantime, I'm off to arrange some playdates while Baby B is happily cleaning up the playroom (which an hour ago he destroyed.)
When the boys were tiny (like 3-4 months old), I was part of a local twins club. Now and then, I'd read about twin moms fighting schools, school districts, their states about whether twins should be allowed to be in the same classroom, or should be automatically separated. So now, I could worry on that a little. Should I fight to keep them together? Encourage their individuality and independence? At what age?
Then one day, I met an adult who was a twin. He told me that he and his brother had grown up "not as close as twins usually are" because they were in different grades. So that became my biggest worry. Turns out that one wasn't so far off the mark...and then some!
Our boys are in the same grade - both delightfully happy kindergarteners - but, due to a funny little trick of science, at different schools completely. So no meeting up in the lunch room. No fighting to get them into the same classroom, no shared experiences to discuss at the dinner table.
This little trick of science left Baby B with global developmental delay, while Baby A is considered "typically developing."
We are fortunate to live in a school district with extensive resources, but the district has chosen to divide their special education programs up by specialty. Our "home school" has an Autism Spectrum classroom, but not a classroom for "general" special ed. (Aside: I'm sure we could argue to place Baby A at the same school as Baby B...It is also a wonderful school, but there are many reasons we've chosen not to do that.)
So I spend much of my week working out the logistics of two schools, volunteering at both when I can, being present with two teachers (just like moms of singletons in two grades would), and making an attempt to be involved at similar levels with both kids' educations. Is it equal? Who knows? Do the kids think it's equal? Of course not, but they are 5. Baby A argued that I made a snowman throw-game for his brother's class and not for his. Baby B whined when it was time to sit through another of Baby A's soccer practices. This is just great sibling stuff, and it's never fair or equal. But that's a discussion for another day.
I've tried to move beyond "worrying" about same grade/different, same school/different, etc. I still harbor hopes that one day, Baby B will be ready for full inclusion, and maybe that will involve moving him to our home school. But maybe not. We love both school environments, so either way will be what is best for our children.
My new worry popped up in the last couple weeks, and will last me until the cows come home. And I'm trying to re-frame "worry" in my mind to be "opportunity."
Every morning, Baby B and I take Baby A to school (one hour start time difference), walking him all the way to his classroom with all the other kindergarten kiddos. There are a couple kids who have taken to walking along with us, and when Baby B was dancing his way to the classroom, singing in his Minion Voice (perfect pitch, unrecognizable lyrics), one little girl asked me "why is he acting so weird?"
Now and then, at home, Baby A and I have to have discussions on "Why do you do that for My Brother and not for me?", so answering this simple question wasn't hard to do in an age appropriate way. And in fact, I was happy that she asked. I explained that his brain and muscles work differently than hers and that since he loves to sing, this was his way of showing how happy he was that morning. There were a few more questions, and she nervously said "Hi" to him. The next morning, he said "Hi" to her first, and at first, she was uncomfortable (her name starts with the "K" sound which is pronounced "T" by Baby B), she then walked alongside him chattering all about her morning.
So the worry: What about the people who don't ask? Or the people who give mis-information? Or say that hurtful awful thing to one of my boys? Ok, I know I can't control the world. But I do have the opportunity to provide some information to my small circle. So that is what I will attempt to do.
First of all - the fact that my son is less verbal, and hard to understand doesn't mean he doesn't understand you. So when you're talking about him to me, contemplate that in your words. That absolutely does not mean I don't want to talk to you about how to engage with him, or even talk about "what is wrong with him", but remember that he is hearing us. What is wrong with him isn't nearly as important as all the things that are right. And the message about his special needs shouldn't be coming from you. We as his parents give him information in an appropriate manner, and at an appropriate time. Same goes for his brother.
Watch your mouth. Maybe you've heard this...the words we grew up with "crippled", "handicapped", "retarded" are considered outdated and often derogatory or offensive. Break the habit. Here are some new words to introduce into your vocabulary: "has special needs", "on the Spectrum", "really awesome." And (this one is hard to remember, but especially as a mom of twins, I think super important) we don't say Baby A is "normal", but rather "typically developing". And really, what kid is really "normal" anyway!?
Labels and diagnoses - This is only really important if you are our doctors, teachers or therapists. And then, even not so much. Whether you are in kindergarten or retirement, the deal is the same: his brain and muscles work differently than others. He still loves movies, riding his bike, watching sports, playing at the park, and really really likes to go to the zoo. Even with a diagnosis or label, we don't know if he will one day be the next CEO of Monsters, Inc, or if he will be completely dependent upon us for his life. But then again, we don't know that about a typically developing kid either, now do we?
Play time - He likes to play with other kids. But I know he can be frustrating to play with. Some days, he's "on", and others not so much. Some days, all he wants to do is pile all the toys into one big mess. Others, he wants to play take-turns games, and can be really fun. (Oh, should I mention Baby A and his friends are like this too?) If you're a kid, I can help you figure out a way to play together without too much frustration.
And my last little "rants" are directed more to well meaning adults. I've yet to hear a kid come up with these. While I'm sure you're trying to provide some sort of reassurance when you tell me things like "Oh, my neighbor's sister's daughter didn't talk until she was 4, but she grew out of it and is off to college. You'll be just fine.", "You need to try a gluten free diet. That worked for little Johnny." (who had a very specific something totally different disorder by the way) or "Don't worry, he will grow out of it." - unless you are a child psychologist, a geneticist or a pediatrician AND are treating my child and familiar with his background, you aren't really helping. And we have recently discovered that the likely underlying "cause" of his delay is so rare (and essentially untreatable) that there are only two other known "similar" cases. And they're in Lithuania and China. So I'm pretty sure that's not the neighbor's sister's daughter. If it is, call me. Maybe we can get funding to name the "syndrome."
In the meantime, I'm off to arrange some playdates while Baby B is happily cleaning up the playroom (which an hour ago he destroyed.)
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